Humor

China's kings of destruction

JDM070720destroyers.jpg

This top-ten list of China's greatest destructive forces throughout history has been circulating online for a while. It was just picked up by the PCHome website; that site is indexed by Baidu News, so it turned up in a search for GAPP.

The original author's name has been lost, so we present this translation without permission. Enjoy.

Ancient China's Top Ten Masters of Destruction

1. Meng Jiangnu: The most influential "female terrorist" in Chinese history. One of the world's ten top sopranos, to avenge her husband, she used the sound of her crying to demolish China's famous historical feat of defensive engineering, one of the ten wonders of the world - the Great Wall.

2. Xiang Yu: One of the most tragic characters in Chinese history. The originator of the phrase "break the cauldrons and sink the boats" [to burn bridges] and the host of the Feast at Hong Gate, he organized and personally ignited the burning of a Key National Cultural Relic - the Epang Palace - and thus entered the ranks of China's ten ancient kings of destruction.

3. Ying Zheng: The CEO of a certain well-known company in Chinese history; served concurrently as the head of the Press and Publications Administration, the Public Security Bureau, and was Premier of the State Council. He acquired six listed corporations - Han, Zhao, Wei, Chu, Yan, and Qi. He utilized "burning books and burying scholars" - high-pressure regulatory tactics against legitimate newspapers and magazines of the time, and brought massive destruction to China's audio-visual cultural enterprises.

4. Lu Ban: A high-level intellectual and designer. President of the Lu Family Furniture Co. Ltd. Inventor of the saw. For his invention of the saw he was granted the National Invention Award. Subsequently he engaged in clear-cutting of forests to produce his furniture. The furniture he produced had a monopoly on the market, but his overcutting destroyed the plant life, and soil erosion on the loess plateau turned serious, fouling the water in the Yellow River.

5. Hua Tuo: Attending physician at a certain hospital, member of the Three Kingdoms Medical Association. His name became widely known after he successfully performed anti-poison surgery on the film/TV/singing star Guan Yu, but he was later killed after crossing a gang-leader, Cao Cao. He authored the famous Classic of Medical Practice, and the Treatise on Miscellaneous Cold Diseases [actually by Zhang Ji], unpublished. Before he died he burnt them. There is nothing wrong in principle with burning one's own belongings, but this was a catastrophic loss to the history of Chinese medicine.

6. The Qianlong Emperor: Concentrated in his person were the positions of National President, State Council Premier, President of the Supreme Military Council, head of Public Security, head of the General Administration of Press and Publication. To accelerate GDP growth, he forced people to cultivate wastelands and reclaim lakeland to expand farmland. On another front, he launched a large-scale literary inquisition, burning classic books. These actions brought great destruction to China's ecological environment and the education and culture sectors.

7. Yugong: Retired railway worker. Because a huge mountain was in the way, he was unable to drive his private car to go shopping in the city, and because of another mountain, he couldn't get any signal reception on his color-screen phone, so in a fit of pique he decided to move both Taihang and Wangwu mountain. This proposal received the support and acclamation of his whole family. With a "foolish man moves the mountain" spirit they dug unceasingly, and a famous scenic spot was wantonly destroyed. Although God was moved by their conviction and sent down angels to move the mountains, the original appearance of Taihang and Wangwu mountains had been almost completely destroyed.

8. Song Jiang: Head of the most influential anti-government militia in the Northern Song; gang boss. He openly opposed the government from his stronghold at the marshes of Mt. Liang. He led and organized many terrorist incidents, and allowed his underlings to cut trees with abandon and fish without restraint, leading to deforestation and the depletion of the fishing stock. He also encouraged Wu Song and Li Kui to hunt down the Northeastern Tiger, a Class I National Protected Animal, threatening the tiger population and destroying the food chain.

9. Li Shimin: Formerly the highest state leader and the richest man in the country. Member of the Tang Dynasty Calligraphy Association. Ardent collector of the calligraphy of famous people, particularly his idol, Wang Xizhi. He purchased Preface to the Poems Composed at the Orchid Pavilion for a high price, and out of selfishness had the finest running hand in the world interred with him when he died. Depriving the world of the original Orchid Pavilion is nothing less than a great tragedy for the history of Chinese calligraphy.

10. Zhuge Liang: Marketing Development Manager and Chief Consultant for the Shu Kingdom Real Estate Development Co. Ltd, senior economist, one of the Ten Most Influential People of the Three Kingdoms, greatest debater in the Three Kingdoms (representative work: Disputes With The Southern Scholars), noted author (representative works: Memorial on Dispatching Troops, My 36 Strategies for Trade Wars). Reason for entry into Ancient China's top ten Kings of Destruction: to obstruct Cao Cao's Cao Conglomerate from taking over the Shu Kingdom Real Estate Development Co. Ltd., he planned, organized, and carried out the Burning of the Red Cliffs action, which caused devastating losses to Cao Cao's private property and burnt large numbers of boats. Not only did this create strain for Yangtze River traffic and shipping, the large number of burning ships polluted the river's water quality and let off large quantities of harmful gasses that led to acid rain. This presented a major threat to the people's property and livelihood.

Links And Sources
There are currently 13 Comments for China's kings of destruction.

Comments on China's kings of destruction

"4. Lu Ban: A high-level intellectual..."

Hahahaha.... Don't know if you guys know this but this is a reference to one of Zhao Benshan's sketches performed at CCTV's New Year Gala in 1992 where he said "...Level 6 Carpenter, the equivelent to a mid-level intellectual." (六级木匠,相当于中级知识分子。)

Here's the sketch on the tube. It's near the end.

''He also encouraged Wu Song and Li Kui to hunt down the Northeastern Tiger, a Class I National Protected Animal, threatening the tiger population and destroying the food chain.''----

haha, that's weird, Northeastern Tiger lived in the DongBei, north of China, belongs to Liao's territory in that time and Song Jiang with his gangsters had no idea where it was.

Wha????????? Sure... Not really that funny.

Loads of laugh! Never expect there's some room for thus interesting story among those serious critical comments:)

the NE tiger did live in N China in the past. just like grizzlies were in lower part of N America.

they were once called North China Tiger, but i think I read somewhere that they are the same as Manchurian Tiger.

However, when Wu Song killed the tiger, he had not met Song Jiang yet!

--
btw, it should be E-fang Palace, not E-pang.

I'm drawing from here, sun bin, since I've never heard it pronounced before. The Chinese Wikipedia also has it pronounced Ēpáng Gōng.

Thanks for the Zhao Benshan sketch, anon; I didn't catch that reference. The carpenter line seems to get the biggest laugh of the whole thing.

ah...i think you are right in pronouncing e-pang.

my bad.

In fact, She is Meng Jiangnü , not Meng Jiangnu

China's newest kings of destruction are dragging down the whole planet:

link

[edited. Please do not paste in entire articles. -JM]

Nice post. And really funny and creative.

Debugging:
In the Yugong part
"Retired railway worker. Because a huge mountain was in the way, he was unable to drive his private car to go shopping in the city, and because of another mountain, he couldn't get any signal reception on his color-screen phone, so in a fit of pique he decided to move both >>>>Taixing

This should be the Taihang moutain. The character “行”here should be read "hang"

[Fixed. Thanks. -JM]

有意思

I think this kind of articles can be called "KUSO"(恶搞). But these famous ancient chinese characters are KUSOed in a very innovative aspect. It is very vivid and interesting! Worth reading anyway! LOL!

This list along with the descriptions are meant to be funny? They are first historically inaccurate, some of those people's deeds were based on fictional accounts. What the hell is with calling an emperor a CEO? This is not even funny.

China Media Timeline
Major media events over the last three decades
Danwei Model Workers
The latest recommended blogs and new media
laomo2010x80.jpg
From 2008
Front Page of the Day
A different newspaper every weekday
From the Vault
Classic Danwei posts
+ Culture and corporate propaganda in Soho Xiaobao (2007.11): Mid-2007 issues of Soho Xiaobao (SOHO小报), illustrating the complicated identity of in-house magazines run by real estate companies.
+ Internet executives complain about excessive Net censorship (2010.03): Internet executives complain about excessive Net censorship at an officially sanctioned meeting in Shenzhen.
+ Crowd-sourced cheating on the 2010 gaokao (2010.06): A student in Sichuan seeks help with the ancient Chinese section of this year's college entrance exam -- while the test is going on!
Danwei Archives