Tournament opens at Beijing speed dating club, 2004

This is one of a series of letters written in the years 2002 to 2006 to a foreign advice columnist at 21st Century, an English newspaper published weekly by the China Daily.

Dating in China is a brief intro to marriage, a required ritual that wraps up around age 25. Young adults give their parents the final word in picking a spouse: usually a well-studied man with access to money or a task-conscious woman willing to take care of elders from both sides. So goes the rule book according to over 40s and nearly all ages in the countryside.

But city dwellers are telling their middle-aged parents there’s a revised edition out now. It describes dating as a way to meet a lot of people for fun. Selection can last till age 35. Mom and Dad can vote on the eventual spouse, but no veto power.

But the new version is a mere pamphlet, compared to the hallowed hardbound epic of the past, when adult children come down to picking a mate in the face of outraged parents who have sacrificed so much for their only child. A showdown can start before the suitor even shows up:

Dear Ralph,

I'm a 25-year-old lady. I'm a tall and good-looking girl. My salary is also not bad in my city. To my parents, I'm old enough to marry. I still do not have a boyfriend. (I had a boyfriend last year. We said goodbye after I realized we really did not love each other.) So they are anxious to push me to find a good man. Most friends and classmates are going to marry or already have married. But I have not found the man who loves me and who I love. Sometimes I intend to find a future husband through a matchmaker. I'm afraid of pressure from family and society. What should I do?

Helena, via e-mail

Dec. 2, 2002